Therapy for me, Fun for you! My ideas, concepts, and general comments on the stupidity around me.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Here I sit at 2:19 AM, unable to sleep. I decided it would be a good idea to come downstairs & blog since none of my friends are awake and my bf isn't "home" at the moment. So here I sit, stuffing myself with cinnamon-pecan twirlies, drinking iced tea and smoking clove cigarettes, trying to figure out what I have to say. Man, when I go on a downswing, there's no swing about it. It's more like someone cut the ropes. I should be in a good mood since my job interview went well today. I interviewed for a cashier position at Sam's Club. Instead, I'm now nervous about whether I'm ready to re-enter the workforce and even if I want to do it at all. And I've been extremely broody about life since I got home from my interview.
My 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up on Saturday, and I've been feeling horrible about it. In no way do I regret being with Jeff, but I definitely could've gone about it better. It occurred to me earlier just how much I've hurt my husband and I really wish I could take it back. Don't ever get involved with someone when you're already involved with someone else, folks. End the first relationship before beginning (or getting in too deep) with the second. That's important. Write that down. Like I said, I don't regret being with Jeff, and I wouldn't change or trade my love for him for anything, but I do regret all the pain I've caused to my husband. I worry that after I finally leave here, he won't take care of himself. I know it's not my job or responsibility to worry about him. I know that I really don't have any right to be concerned. That doesn't change the fact that I do and I am. Most of all, I feel completely impotent when I think about how to properly express to him that I'm sorry and just how sorry I am. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Nothing's going to change.
Anyhow, after all of the above, I started thinking about regrets in my life. I used to be able to say that I had only a few, but now it's a few too many. I think a lot about when I'd go if I could turn the clock back and do it over again knowing what I know now. That's an incredibly hard decision to make. I love my children, so I'd have to be with their father, and that throws off just about everything else I want to change. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Nothing's going to change.
The biggies in my life as far as regrets go:
1) I regret not making love with Jeff when I was dating him in high school.
2) I regret not making love with Jeff when I met up with him again after we dated in high school.
3) I regret not being more persistent in maintaining my relationship with Jeff when my mother broke us up.
4) I regret not calling again and again until I reached Jeff when I was almost 18.
5) I regret telling Brian Klatt that I was pregnant in my freshman year of college just to try and keep his affection as well as all the lies that came after.
6) I regret marrying my children's father.
7) I regret not calling Jeff after my children's father and I divorced.
8) I regret all the horrible things I said and did to my daughter, especially in the last year.
9) I regret pushing my son aside when he was little in order to give my daughter the attention she demanded.
10) I regret being less than supportive when my son was in crisis earlier this year.
11) I regret breaking my husband's heart, and causing him continuous pain for the last 2 1/2 years.
Believe me, there are others, but I can't think of them right now. You may think that some of those things don't belong on the same list with the others, but you're not inside my head or heart so you can't possibly know how I feel. Sometimes I don't know how I feel except to know that I feel like a horrible person who deserves all the bad things that come my way. I really wish I was more even-keeled. These downswings really suck, especially after a med change that's supposed to neutralize them. I should probably report this to the shrink, but I won't. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Nothing's going to change.
posted by Seekers at 11:37 PM
Friday, October 17, 2003
Ok, so in the last entry I said I'd be back tomorrow...I should've said I'll be back tomorrow (or not). I have become grossly undependable. You may fire at will. Although frankly, I don't know what the hell will did that he deserves to be fired upon so regularly. Must've been something bad. Perhaps he was wearing a t-shirt from tshirthell.com and offended...well...everyone. I love that site. If you haven't checked it out, do so. However, you must have a sense of humor. If you don't, it won't be any fun for you. If your sense of humor is warped like mine, you'll love it. Especially the new wrapping paper section. Zombs, there are some cute ones for bebes too.
Ok, onto the rantings & ravings. Well, actually there aren't any at the second, so I'll give you some good news. The social worker who has been supervising our little family dynamic visited yesterday. She was on the case in order to keep the kids in my custody due to their frequent past visits to the attention center (juvie). Anyhow, she said yesterday that things here have improved vastly, and she's going to decrease her visits. She'll now be coming every other week instead of every week. This deserves a "YAY!" Go on...I'll wait. Anyhow, if things keep going like they have been, she'll close the case sooner than any of us thought possible. Which is good since I can't stand people in our business. It's really embarassing to have outsiders know just how looney you are. (insert Looney Tunes theme song here.)
We're still having fun with the kitten, having let her discover catnip. She is so funny when she's high. On a sad note though, we had to put one of the weezoos down since she was NOT spayed as the pet store told us. As a result, she got tumors and was really really sick. Obviously we were really sad. Kate got mad at me since I didn't let her say goodbye, but she'll get over it. It's not like she paid all that much attention to them anyhow. However, I guess she's living proof that you never know how much you'll miss something until it's gone. The remaining weezoo was a little confused for a while, looking for her absent friend & cage-mate, but she seems to be doing ok now. We make sure and lavish more attention on her so she doesn't have time to be lonely. She and the cat are forming an interesting relationship. The cat climbs up on the cage to follow the weezoo wherever she goes, and the weezoo bites the cat anytime she can. It's really quite amusing. You'd think the cat would've learned by now. Ah well...some of us are slower learners than others.
I still haven't heard anything about the application I put in at Sam's Club the other day, so I'm calling them tomorrow. I think saying, "Are you fuckers going to hire me or NOT?" wouldn't be the correct approach, but I may use it depending on how vague they are being. I'm beginning to think that this whole mentally ill/homicidal thingy might be getting in the way of my getting a job. Perhaps I should apply at the post office? Ok, that wasn't nice, but I'm not going to erase it so nyeeeeeeeeeeh.
Well, the bf is coming either late tonight or early tomorrow morning, so there are some things I need to get done. Work before play, you know.
It occurs to me that as my life is getting more "normal," I'm becoming boring. I'll try to do something rash in order to entertain you guys sometime soon. I tried to knock over a 7-11, but it was too heavy. Too bad they don't have those photomat kiosks anymore. Nothing worth doing is ever easy though. Maybe I'll try a dairy mart next time. =O)
posted by Seekers at 2:26 PM
Monday, October 13, 2003
Ok, we'll try this again. I blogged the other day, but my stupid computer wouldn't let me post it. Now we seem to have all the bugs worked out (knock wood) since I stole my son's hard drive from his PC that he wasn't using. Anyhow, my e-mail now works although I need to rebuild my address book, my internet works, and I'm hoping that this works too. We'll see, I suppose. And as previously promised, I've decided (again) to keep this thing up to date. In case you guys are interested. If you're not...well...I'm used to talking to myself. I have kids, you know.
Anyhow, nothing much is new on this front except I'm really taking umbrage at the lottery fairy ducking my calls. Mean bitch. I'm gonna pull her little wings off, see if I don't. I need to get my car fixed, I need to catch up on bills, and dammit, I deserve a mansion with fountains & shit and about 6 new cars. Plus now that my parents are "dead" I suppose I'll have to pay for college for my kids myself. Which sucks. A lot. Speaking of college, I've actually taken some action to re-enroll myself for classes starting in January. No one have any strokes, it's only for a certificate program for medical transcription. It's not like I'm actually going to complete my bachelor's. I think if I did, the world would stop spinning. Anyhow, I'll have a full class load in January and no more than 3 classes for the following sessions. I'll have completed everything by summer of 2005. That seems like such a long time away, but I keep forgetting 2003 is almost over. Anyhow, wish me luck with sticking with it. I have this annoying habit of not finishing things I start. This, however, would be most beneficial to me. If I get a job with a company called Medquist--one of the largest and fastest growing contractors of outsourced transcription work, it's very possible I could be making about 50 to 60k a year AND working at home. That's my eventual goal. If I have to do a couple years' hospital or clinic work, so be it. Uh oh...someone alert the media. I actually set a goal. Now let's see if I achieve it. I do have every intention of doing so. Let's also hope that Mr. Bi-polar or Ms. ADD don't rear their ugly heads to get in the way. We shall overcome!
Jesus, I'm almost optimistic and perky. Someone slap me. I am well aware that hope is a four-letter word.
Ok, well the other day was a Dickens day. I got calls from husband past, husband present, and husband future. I felt like running through the streets in a nightshirt shouting vague giftmas things & cooking a goose. I laid down till it passed though. No arrests for me this week. Besides, I would've probably kicked Tiny Tim's crutch & beat him over the head with it. You know how moody I get.
The kids are mostly behaving themselves of late although they're still moody & mouthy. Since they inherited those traits, I can't fault them for it too much, but I do anyway. They're both doing well on probation, so I think I'll have the agency keep them on it until they're like 30. I'll look into that and let you know.
Anyhow, I just wanted to drop a few lines to let you guys know I'm still alive & stuff. Oh yeah, and to tell you something funny. My bf was having a bad day on Sat. and the crowning glory (or last straw) was that he opened the side door to his van which promptly fell off. I, of course, got the visual of him standing there with a door in his hands and immediately started laughing my ass off, which I believe is not the reaction he was looking for. However, he's a good sport and knows that if it had happened to me instead of him, he'd have not let it go for months. You gotta love that about friends & lovers--the overwhelming necessity of continuing to point out the stupid shit you've done and never let you forget it. Regardless of my unexpected response to him, he feels better now, and so do I. You gotta appreciate that.
Ok, I'm out of here. I'll be back tomorrow at least if not today. Depends on what happens. Too bad it's not Wednesday. For those of you who remember Romper Room, Wednesday is "anything can happen day." I'll hope for the best though. Maybe someone will trip going across the street when I'm driving to the shrink's office. That should cheer me up. Later gators. :)
posted by Seekers at 8:26 AM
Monday, September 22, 2003
Hello disappointed readers. Today being my 37th birthday, I decided I'd write a few things. Jesus, I didn't realize it'd been since August since I blogged last. Evidently, I've either been very busy or very lazy--or a combination of the both. I am adept at multi-tasking. Anyway, the reader's digest version of past events is as follows: both kids are on juvenile probation for domestic violence (against me), the State's case against the pervert who took my daughter's virginity is now before the Grand Jury (necessitating testimony--joy), still no word from my would-be horse farming so-called mother, and as stated before, I am now 37.
37. 37. That would mean I'm pushing 40 pretty hard, wouldn't it? Ordinarily, age doesn't bother me, but lately I've been thinking that I haven't done a goddamn thing with my life. Then I go lie down until I don't care anymore. I've been doing a lot of lying down the past couple weeks. One thing I have noticed as I'm aging not-so-gracefully is that my tolerance for stupidity is waning at an alarming rate. And I now have a weapon, so it's getting to the point where stupid people will no longer get a sign, they will get a bullet. I think it would be a good idea to fire two warning shots (into their heads) when they piss me off. Too bad you can't shoot telemarketers.
Another thought I had recently that I deemed necessary for sharing is my confusion about the English language we all know and sort of use properly. Did you ever notice that certain words should really mean something else? The one that came to my attention is "copulation." We all know this word is synonymous with intercourse, but I feel it should mean something different. It's against the law to impersonate a police officer, and since impersonation is synonymous with emulation, I believe that copulation is a better term for that particular transgression. Just my opinion...take it or leave it as you will.
On the animal front, my daughter brought home an orange and white kitten the other day, and I (being the sucker that I am for strays) allowed her to keep it. She is now rethinking the decision as the kitten is deciding when Kate should be up instead of Kate deciding when to get up. I went in this morning to wake her for school, and the kitten was literally jumping--with all four feet--on Kate's head. Most amusing for me, most annoying to Kate. You'll have that. Then again, karma reared its head a little later today. I had made chicken eggrolls last night and was eating leftovers for lunch. The kitten decided that eggrolls were the purr-fect food for her, and so she was licking my lips. I thought this was cute at first until I realized that she was just looking for the best place to chomp, which turned out to be in the middle of my lower lip. Nice. I knew there was a reason I don't like cats. =O) Ah well...the kitten got her just desserts yesterday as she tried to bat one of the ferrets who was inside the cage. She got bitten on the paw--about which she was most unpleased--and she's a slow learner, so I'm sure it will happen again. In case anyone is wondering, the dogs and the cat are getting along fine. The cat bosses them around, and they being the morons that they are, allow her to do so. This is also quite amusing.
One more thing before I go read George Carlin's Brain Droppings (it's a book, dummy), I have learned that drugs are our friends, and Xanax is now our best friend. It doesn't do much for the anxiety attacks, but at least I don't care when I have them. This has to be some sort of improvement.
Everyone behave as you see fit. I'll yak again when I have something pseudo-interesting to say. Later, gators.
posted by Seekers at 10:03 AM
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
I got some great news today. The results of my HIV test are in, and I am disease-free. Feel free to do backflips now. I was extremely worried about being infected due to stupid decisions I've made in the recent past, but luckily, the only consequences to my idiotic actions were worry and a new sense of respect for monogamy. Hence, from now on, I will only be sleeping with the bf. (chortle) Oh yeah, I also got a wonderful letter in the mail today that reads as follows:
"Please accept this letter as notice that the Stark County Department of Job and Family Services has recently completed the assessment of risk involving Kaitlin. Due to new information, the disposition has been changed to indication [of sex abuse] to substantiated in regards to [the 23-year-old pervert she was fucking]." YAY! I'm reminded a little of that old Ringo Starr song (with a little poetic license taken) "You're 13, You're beautiful, and YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL, YOU PERVERT SON OF A BITCH!"
Not much news on the daughter front as yet. Her trial is Friday. She did call me today when I wasn't home and left a message for me to call her back since she had to read me some things she'd written. She also said she loved me. It's a little too early to hold out hope for a wake-up call for her, but maybe I'll practice a little optimism for a change. I did, however, find a few quotes that apply in some way to my life that you may find amusing. As pertains to my daughter--"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning." ~Caroline
As pertains to my own life, there are two:
"Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows," and "I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." ~Jennifer Unlimited
Not much else to say today. Catch you guys later. And btw, just because I hadn't blogged in over a month is no excuse for everyone (except Cyn, whom I adore) not to make comments. So Pbbbbbbbbbbbt on you. =O)"
posted by Seekers at 2:20 PM
Monday, July 14, 2003
Ok...the intake hearing was supposed to be this morning at 8fucking30, but I had to sit in the waiting room until almost 10 o'clock. I was unthrilled, but finally they took us in for the intake. Actually, this process is more like an interview rather than a hearing but it gives the juvenile court liason an opportunity to see what the delinquent in question is like. It started out all amiable-like and ended with the court liason shouting at my daughter to shut up and quit whining. Not pretty. He also said that he was not going to recommend to the state that they release her because she obviously doesn't understand cause and effect and doesn't realize that whether she meant to cause harm or not, she did, and that is a crime. She kept crying and saying she was sorry. Well of course she's sorry. She got busted. Anyhow, the pre-trial in the afternoon went a lot faster. Kate's court-appointed attorney spoke to me briefly (no pun intended), only asking me if they would recommend release, would I be willing to take Kate home. I managed to say No Ma'am and was going to explain why, but the mousy bitch just said OK and ran off to the rock she must've crawled out from underneath. (pardon my grammar there) Anyhow, during the hearing, the state's rep stated that at that time, the stated didn't feel it was prudent to send Kate home due to safety issues. Then Kate's lawyer leaned over and whispered to her that I had said I wouldn't take her home. Kate turned around and shot me the dirtiest look I've ever seen her give anyone. If looks could kill, I'd have been a pile of ashes. I'm guessing that she's pissed at me. You think? Her trial is set for Friday morning, and they'll hold her until then. I doubt that they'll reduce her charge, but we'll see. I'm not sure how juvenile trials work, so I'll have to keep you posted.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the visit with the bf was spabulous even though today I feel like I got hit by the love bug--that's Herbie the Volkswagon for those of you old enough to remember. I'm sore in places I forgot I had muscles. Ah, memories....we shall enjoy them. =O) He's coming back on Thursday (yay). He's my favorite. (insert kissy noises here) My dryer went to the happy hunting ground, so he helped me hang laundry outside to dry and even strung me a second line. He's so sweet. I'm gonna keep him.
Um...lessee. Oh yeah. The husband went tractor-pulling on Sunday and won 3rd place in a class he usually doesn't compete in. I'm glad he's found something to do that he likes and that he's making friends. It's good for him, even if it is a totally redneck activity. He's a little upset--ok more than a little--that Kate's behavior has degraded as much as it has since she had an interest in tractor-pulling with him. However, after all the shit she's pulled--especially having accused him of touching her inappropriately and trying to rape her--he's just about done with her altogether. The aforementioned allegation was dropped, btw. She recanted her story, and the police said they didn't believe it either since when she gave her statement, she was changing her story each time and contradicting herself repeatedly. Nonetheless, he may not have been the perfect father, but he has helped raise her since she was two. Obviously, he was hurt, offended, and pissedasfuck about the allegations being made in the first place. I'm thinking that was pretty much unforgivable. I wonder if hypnotism would work for her. Repeated post-hypnotic suggestions that she behave like a decent human being and stop all the bullshit she's involved in. I'll look into it. Maybe I'll look into electroshock therapy too.
Ok, that's about it for now. I have to check my e-mail and then go to bed as I have plied myself with (prescribed) relaxation & sleep medications and am now seeing double on my screen and having trouble typing. Nighty night, y'all.
posted by Seekers at 10:15 PM
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Well avid soap-opera fans--our last episode left us on the edge of our seats (possibly toilet seats) awaiting the next chapter in Chaos Reigns Supreme. Today, we pick up with our heroine (me) bruised & battered, the leading-ish man (husband) with a pepsi bottle imprint in his chest, and the oh-so-delinquent Miss Congeniality (Kate) in the Multi-county Juvenile Attention Center, charged with domestic violence. Let's just suffice it to say she was most unthrilled to be handcuffed and dragged away by the heroic city police, but at least she was smart enough not to get a resisting charge added to her dossier.
We have intake and pre-trial on Monday morning. I'm not sure how that's going to go. It was a much simpler decision on my part regarding my son as violent behavior (as previously stated) is uncharacteristic of him. However, Miss Congeniality is a different story. Frankly, I'm not sure I can guarantee her safety--much less the safety of everyone else in the house--if she returns. One thing I can almost positively guarantee is that she is going to hate me even more after she's released. Plus I know that things can always get worse (refer to safety tip in earlier blog posts--oh wait a minute--I told you to write that down). I'm afraid they will, but I've never been much of an optimist.
Our injuries are relatively minor, but it's the principle of the thing. Knowing how domestic violence works, I am fully aware that things escalate. It's kind of like cheating on your spouse (which I also know inside and out--pun intended). The first time is always the hardest, and it just gets easier from there on. Practice does make perfect after all. Anyhow, everyone just have positive thoughts that this kid will straighten herself out before she completely ruins her entire life at 13. I wish to the gods I could do something, but I'm powerless. Teenagers (mostly) suck.
Ok, enough of the icky stuff. The bf is coming up to visit me today after a week-long absence in Virginia with family. He should be here within the hour, and I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing him. I'm thinking of recommending him for sainthood. He's warm, loving, understanding, insightful, comforting, and most of all he puts up with my bullshit and the melodrama (histrionics?) that go on around here. Yay! He's on the top of my Whattaguy list.
Everyone continue to beg & plead with the lottery fairy for us. This is no longer a wish, it's a desperate need. We're drowning here...we're swimmin' as fast as we can, Cap'n, but I dinna think we're gonna make it. =O) Bleah. I don't want to end on a negative note, so I'll relate a joke: Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors? Because then it would be a sedan. HA HA HA HA HA Oh well, I've always had a particular fondness for stupid jokes. Got any grapes? ;-)