Therapy for me, Fun for you! My ideas, concepts, and general comments on the stupidity around me.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Here I sit at 2:19 AM, unable to sleep. I decided it would be a good idea to come downstairs & blog since none of my friends are awake and my bf isn't "home" at the moment. So here I sit, stuffing myself with cinnamon-pecan twirlies, drinking iced tea and smoking clove cigarettes, trying to figure out what I have to say. Man, when I go on a downswing, there's no swing about it. It's more like someone cut the ropes. I should be in a good mood since my job interview went well today. I interviewed for a cashier position at Sam's Club. Instead, I'm now nervous about whether I'm ready to re-enter the workforce and even if I want to do it at all. And I've been extremely broody about life since I got home from my interview.
My 7 year wedding anniversary is coming up on Saturday, and I've been feeling horrible about it. In no way do I regret being with Jeff, but I definitely could've gone about it better. It occurred to me earlier just how much I've hurt my husband and I really wish I could take it back. Don't ever get involved with someone when you're already involved with someone else, folks. End the first relationship before beginning (or getting in too deep) with the second. That's important. Write that down. Like I said, I don't regret being with Jeff, and I wouldn't change or trade my love for him for anything, but I do regret all the pain I've caused to my husband. I worry that after I finally leave here, he won't take care of himself. I know it's not my job or responsibility to worry about him. I know that I really don't have any right to be concerned. That doesn't change the fact that I do and I am. Most of all, I feel completely impotent when I think about how to properly express to him that I'm sorry and just how sorry I am. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Nothing's going to change.
Anyhow, after all of the above, I started thinking about regrets in my life. I used to be able to say that I had only a few, but now it's a few too many. I think a lot about when I'd go if I could turn the clock back and do it over again knowing what I know now. That's an incredibly hard decision to make. I love my children, so I'd have to be with their father, and that throws off just about everything else I want to change. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Nothing's going to change.
The biggies in my life as far as regrets go:
1) I regret not making love with Jeff when I was dating him in high school.
2) I regret not making love with Jeff when I met up with him again after we dated in high school.
3) I regret not being more persistent in maintaining my relationship with Jeff when my mother broke us up.
4) I regret not calling again and again until I reached Jeff when I was almost 18.
5) I regret telling Brian Klatt that I was pregnant in my freshman year of college just to try and keep his affection as well as all the lies that came after.
6) I regret marrying my children's father.
7) I regret not calling Jeff after my children's father and I divorced.
8) I regret all the horrible things I said and did to my daughter, especially in the last year.
9) I regret pushing my son aside when he was little in order to give my daughter the attention she demanded.
10) I regret being less than supportive when my son was in crisis earlier this year.
11) I regret breaking my husband's heart, and causing him continuous pain for the last 2 1/2 years.
Believe me, there are others, but I can't think of them right now. You may think that some of those things don't belong on the same list with the others, but you're not inside my head or heart so you can't possibly know how I feel. Sometimes I don't know how I feel except to know that I feel like a horrible person who deserves all the bad things that come my way. I really wish I was more even-keeled. These downswings really suck, especially after a med change that's supposed to neutralize them. I should probably report this to the shrink, but I won't. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Nothing's going to change.